Awkward Moments…

When you decide to terminate, it’s always going to be a tough journey.  I only found out I was pregnant a week ago and already I’ve had two moments where a pin could be heard dropping…

The first was a family friend on the day I took the first step of the process… On looking at my brood of 4, he innocently asked the question no-one in the situation wants to hear… “so, are you having anymore?”

My answer was swift with a smile: “I think I’ve made my contribution to society.”  It was a simple answer, but hurt more than I realised at the time.

The second was today.

A parent from Beavers asked the very same question… This time I looked at my husband for a cue… We both simply said “No.”

It’s a question somebody always asks when you have children, it’s a question I would have asked without a second thought… However, having been through it, I will think twice about asking the question of people in future.

It hurts… being asked if you are having anymore while still experiencing the termination… It makes my heart yearn to shout that I would love more but it isn’t an option in our current situation.  It isn’t what my marriage, nor my children need right now.

I want to say that I am currently processing the horrible decision I had to make a week ago.  I want to tell them that my youngest child has a potentially life limiting condition; that we have no idea what her life is going to be like in the future. And I want to tell them that I’ve found myself unexpectedly expecting and, for the benefit of my mental health and my family, I needed to sacrifice the life that my husband and I had created just a short few weeks ago.

This decision was never going to be an easy ride, I knew that… but hearing that question twice in such a short space of time has left me a little raw.

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