I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy option. I knew this was going to be an emotional rollercoaster. I completely underestimated it. There is no preparation for the range of different emotions that I have been through within a single hour. One minute I am certain that I made the right decision; the next I am wavering; and then, just as quickly, I’m a sobbing mess who has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
A few times this week I’ve said it to my friend… but it certainly gives you something to think about, doesn’t it? Would you want to go around the corner if you knew what awaited you? The thing is, you can’t choose what you see either. It’s either good, bad or indifferent.
Let’s go back 12 months.
I was pregnant with my youngest. Her due date was under 3 months away. I was filled with excitement at the prospect of holding my baby for the first time; I couldn’t wait to meet her. I was looking forward to introducing the fourth beautiful addition to our family.
What I couldn’t see is how low I would get, how much stress that would come along with her.
She arrived by emergency section; she was diagnosed with a heart defect; she needed open heart surgery to survive; she spent 3 months in hospital. She has a chromosome abnormality and development delays.
If I had known all that was around the corner would I have wanted to continue around to see what was next… No. She has brought me so much joy, but also more heartache than I can describe. I couldn’t be without her now but if I’d known what I would have to face I wouldn’t have wanted to.
If you had told me 2 weeks ago that I would be going through a termination soon, I’d have laughed. There’s no chance I could be pregnant, is there?
Today, I don’t want to go any further around that corner than I am now. I don’t want to know what awaits me. I want to close my eyes and sleep the pain away but that isn’t an option. So, I need to carry on around that corner and face whatever emotions I will have, head on.