Replacement Baby Feelings

My thoughts have been crazy over the last few days.  I spent yesterday trying to deal with the extreme and overwhelming urges to have a baby.  Now, that might sound strange given the circumstances but it’s a very real feeling and one that I am not alone in.

I have been trying to process the fact that I “know” I want another baby.  My thought process has been particularly erratic and so unlike me.

“I could always ‘forget’ to take my pill.”

The fact that it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning tells me I don’t really want to do that anyway.

“But, I know I would be devastated to see a positive pregnancy test.”

Exactly, so why do I have an overwhelming urge to see it.

“The pill isn’t 100% effective anyway; it could always fail.”

But, is that really what I want to happen? No.

“Another baby would right all the wrongs I feel I have done.”

No, it wouldn’t.  Nothing could ever replace the baby I couldn’t have.  I have to live with my decision and accept that the decision I made was in the best interests of my earth children.

Apparently, these feelings ARE normal and they are part of the process.  The first step is admitting them…  I have Replacement Baby Feelings and they began 2 days post termination.  They have become overwhelming but now less than 24 hours after finding out what they were and admitting that this is what they are, I feel better.  I feel less anxious, less neurotic.  I feel more me.

I am still lost, I still feel the grief, but I can now begin to get these feelings under control.  I am a thinker, I am logical.  Very rarely, I allow my heart to get in the way of what I believe to be the right path for me.  This is not going to be one of those decisions.

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