My thoughts have been crazy over the last few days. I spent yesterday trying to deal with the extreme and overwhelming urges to have a baby. Now, that might sound strange given the circumstances but it’s a very real feeling and one that I am not alone in.
I have been trying to process the fact that I “know” I want another baby. My thought process has been particularly erratic and so unlike me.
“I could always ‘forget’ to take my pill.”
The fact that it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning tells me I don’t really want to do that anyway.
“But, I know I would be devastated to see a positive pregnancy test.”
Exactly, so why do I have an overwhelming urge to see it.
“The pill isn’t 100% effective anyway; it could always fail.”
But, is that really what I want to happen? No.
“Another baby would right all the wrongs I feel I have done.”
No, it wouldn’t. Nothing could ever replace the baby I couldn’t have. I have to live with my decision and accept that the decision I made was in the best interests of my earth children.
Apparently, these feelings ARE normal and they are part of the process. The first step is admitting them… I have Replacement Baby Feelings and they began 2 days post termination. They have become overwhelming but now less than 24 hours after finding out what they were and admitting that this is what they are, I feel better. I feel less anxious, less neurotic. I feel more me.
I am still lost, I still feel the grief, but I can now begin to get these feelings under control. I am a thinker, I am logical. Very rarely, I allow my heart to get in the way of what I believe to be the right path for me. This is not going to be one of those decisions.